Monday, 19 October 2026

For the longest time I’ve felt lost. It’s almost become a personality trait at this point and something I identify with so strongly that I can’t separate myself from that one word, “lost”. I thought I had done all the things that I needed to do: I went to school, made a few friends, attended university, graduated, and got myself a well paying job. Since then I’ve used my time (and money) to indulge in some of my favourite things…travelling to new places and attending concerts - there’s nothing quite like it. Whenever you’re in a new city or standing in the crowd at a concert of your favourite artist it’s almost as if you’re rewriting who you are; you can be whoever you want to be in those moments. Every single person around you is a stranger and yet…when you stop for a moment you have this overwhelming realisation that even though no one knows you, neither do you.
I’m approaching a milestone birthday and maybe this is why I am completely and utterly spiralling but I have never felt so overwhelmed, so defeated, or so lost. I stood in my shower last week thinking about all the things I wanted to say in my first essay and my thoughts flashed through my mind too quickly to eloquently put them down in writing but I’ll try.
I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I’m leaving the chapter of my beloved 20s behind and entering into my 30s but I’m scared. I sit with the feeling that I am so incredibly privileged to be ageing but at the same time I feel so behind. I stood in that shower questioning everything. Did I do everything I wanted to do in my 20s? Have I done enough? Am I enough? I thought back to my hopes and dreams as a child and wondered if I’d made 'little me' proud. It was at this point that I started to cry because I felt such a strong “no” enter my heart. I don’t think I have made her proud. I realised that I don’t have the job I dreamed of having, I don’t look the way I thought I would at this age, and I wonder if I did a huge disservice to younger me by not being more ambitious in my career. I think at some point I started prioritising my comfort and became such a homebody that maybe I missed out on certain aspects of life. I was happy though, so why am I so hard on myself?

I was in Rome recently on a mother-daughter trip with my mum (naturally) and as we explored the little streets and neighbourhoods on our final day we did what we do best: chat about life - the good and the bad, the sweet and the sour. It was going well until my mum suddenly said, “I think you’ve settled in life”. I immediately got defensive and went straight to asking “what do you mean?”, she simply repeated herself. My frustration grew and I asked her for examples (because that’s how I work best) and she answered with, “you used to have all these dreams and things you wanted to do and I feel like you’ve forgotten about all of them”. The defensiveness continued because as we walked along all I could think about was how at one point the things I used to dream about were suddenly no longer of interest to me. I used to dream about fashion and writing articles for a magazine, often cutting out pictures from magazines and attempting to create my own. I would live my The Devil Wears Prada life, only without the toxicity and drama.
As time went on and I gained experience in that field I realised that there was so much judgement and, for want of a better word, “bitchiness” amongst people I probably would’ve called my colleagues. I had enough of that at a school and almost silently decided that wasn’t the route I was going to take. I moved onto a well paid job that saw my value and rewarded me for working hard rather than making me feel obsolete or replaceable. I had attended some smaller fashion week events and brand events and saw that even on a smaller scale I would get those looks…you know the ones, the side glances from more popular creators or the clique of girls that would always attend events together. They were more seasoned and they knew it whereas I was just a fish out of water…I wouldn’t last. I guess I didn’t.
It’s funny because I look back on my life so far and I can pinpoint the exact moment I had my first regret. Unfortunately, little did I know, that would be the start of a small domino effect of regrets tick-tacking at the back of my mind haunting me with the decisions I could’ve made. I need to remember though that the choices I made led me exactly to where I am now. A roof over my head, a strong family bond, a loving relationship with a man who only sees my strengths, and a dog so cute that my camera roll often threatens to overwhelm my phone storage at the drop of a hat. My life is full of love and yet I choose to see the negative. I’m aware of this flaw in my perspective but I find it so hard to change.
At what point can I expect to feel completely content? My mind feels turbulent at best and I live in constant fight or flight mode so much so that I forget what it’s like to give my nervous system a break. I dream of the day that my life sounds like that saxophone cover of ‘Sparks’ by Coldplay. To some the lyrics are sad/melancholy and yet this particular instrumental version paints a picture of better days, pure happiness, the pinnacle of success in my mind.
I want to stay in my 20s because it’s where I feel safest and I know I’ve got more to give to these years. I want to hold onto that youthful charm and make younger me proud because she deserves it. I long for inner peace and I can only hope that my 30s feel like an extension of my 20s in the best way possible. I can’t promise that the 'lost' feeling I drag around with me day after day will subside but maybe it can be extinguished gradually.
What about my dreams? I hear you ask.
Dreaming doesn’t stop forever but it can get put on hold, so I as hit publish on my first essay I make a pledge to start dreaming again.
I deserve it and so do you.
Sunday, 1 June 2025
Hey lovelies!
Can you believe that we are already halfway through the year? For BTS fans like myself, June 2025 is one of the most important months in the history of BTS. All members will officially be returning from the military and the group will be reunited after 2 and a half years; I for one cannot wait! 💜
I felt like doing something a little bit extra for this month and centre my blog posts around BTS, KPOP, and South Korea (my travel post is in the works), with Summer content sprinkled in there too of course! I know that this might not be to everyone's taste but since I use my blog as a scrapbook for my memories and inner musings, I thought that I would really enjoy it. Who knows, I might even gain a whole new group of readers!
First up, I have my reading list for June 2025! Much like my blog, I wanted to focus my book choices around BTS and/or Korean Literature. If you follow me on my BookTok or Bookstagram then you will know that I have already read a couple of short stories within the Korean Literature genre. Unfortunately, I was left extremely disappointed so I'm hoping that I'll find something else in the genre that will really pull me in.
My goals for this month are to read/finish the following books:
BTS: Beyond The Story by BTS & Myeongseok Kang - A book written over the course of three years through interviews with the members of BTS. I'm already halfway through this book but I really want to keep going and get caught up with all the behind the scenes details from some of their most challenging times but also some of their happiest times too!
On BTS: Pop Music, Fandom, Sincerity by Lenika Cruz - This adorable purple coloured book has been on my TBR list for quite a while so I am very excited to start reading it this month. It's described as "A love letter to Korean pop sensation BTS and an ode to fandom". The book details Lenika's journey into the fandom as well as BTS's own journey into a part of the music industry that is much less inclusive.
I would love one more suggestion for my list so please leave me a comment or message me on my TikTok or Instagram! I'm wondering if Human Acts by Han Kang would be a good option, let me know!
Until next time...
Love always, Stephanie
xoxo
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