Not Vicarious

Hey lovelies!

I sure haven't said that in a while and I've missed it. Happy New Year as well! I'm not sure at what point we stop saying that but I'm getting it in there now since I haven't spoken to you all in a few months.

Much like the last two years, this month has been one big blur. One minute we're celebrating Christmas and New Year's and before you know it we've reached February and we're all still just as lost and confused about what to do next!

I know that for a select few of you, you've hit the ground running and have already been hitting all sorts of goals but for me, 2022 did not start as I had expected it to in all honesty. I am definitely feeling a sense of disappointment about that because 2021 was an incredible year for me, one of my favourites actually! Clearly my high expectations had an impact on me as I thought those good vibes would carry on into this year too but so far...not so much. 

That's okay though, right? The most beautiful things don't always start off beautiful and even if they do, you can choose to see the beauty in something even if you find it hard to in the moment. The whole "everything happens for a reason" concept.

In addition to all that, I chose to move my body at a slower pace this month and it has been essential for allowing me to feel like I'm having a break. Plus when you pair that with plenty of K-Drama watching on Netflix, you get yourself a very happy girl! I found that after a full on and very "dedicated to exercise" year in 2021 (more to come on that soon), I wanted to take some pressure off and just do what I felt like in each moment.

I stopped posting too. My socials have been relatively quiet other than a couple of random tweets on the odd day here and there or a little love on posts of creators I follow; nothing worth writing home about to be honest. I secretly kind of love it though because it goes back to that idea of removing pressure from myself. The pressure to keep up, to create, to engage, to comment, to like, to post, to story every little thing.

Truth be told, unless you get the balance right, you'll always find yourself trapped in that 24/7 social FOMO hole and it's not a healthy place to be at the best of times so I just stopped caring. I mean I did think about posting on Instagram every day for this year but even the thought left me slightly nauseated so I quickly wiped that out of my mind on January 1st and went on my break a few days later.

Long time, no see right? It's been almost eight months of silence on here and for that I'm sorry. People often wonder why I apologise for being absent when I need to be but I feel like I owe some sort of explanation to you all. This is probably where you say that you didn't notice I was gone hahaha! For those of you who did notice though, I guess this post is for you.

If you watched my stories around February this year then you may have seen me talk about why I suddenly lost contact with social media and how I didn't feel like I had a place there. The same can be said for my blog as it revolved around the same type of content plus my "identity crisis" throughout the pandemic started intensifying towards the end of 2020.

I wish I could say that I was stronger than to let the negative thoughts about my worth in this industry get to me but I honestly felt and admittedly sometimes still feel that I do not bring anything of value to the table that people have not already seen...stupid I know. The spiralling thoughts are usually what get me in trouble and more often that not I find reasons that I'm seemingly not good enough rather than providing actual evidence as to why I AM good enough.

I think the phrase "life got in the way" is fitting here as I stepped away from posting and focused on what I loved in real life. I delved into new music and reignited my passion for dance, I started working out consistently and eating better, I developed my sense of personal style and took inspiration from my newfound passions, I challenged myself physically and mentally, and I learnt more about myself than I did trying to fit the mould the blogger world created. I felt free and I felt happy but that's not to say I didn't have low points because I did and sometimes they consumed my days without any reason to in the first place.

With that said, I'm grateful for the change and I'm grateful that I have new things to share with you all from here on out. The things I love are bound to always change but what I hope won't change is my passion to come here to my little corner of the Internet to tell you all about it. You may not always relate to the what I love but I hope you find something, even one small thing, that makes you happy too.

Thank you for listening, I love ya for it...

XOXO