Monday 1 November 2021

On My Mind: Scared To Lose My Pandemic Self

Scared To Lose My Pandemic Self | Not Vicarious

Hey lovelies!

I hope you are all doing well and coping in these current times! I figured I would chat to you about something that has been on my mind since this year started. We as a society have had to come to terms with quite a lot over the last year and a half and that includes everything from physical struggles to emotional struggles but the one that hits home most is the mental struggle, which is quite often a result of the previous two. I don't know if it's the idea of becoming increasingly comfortable with who I've become in lockdown or having to constantly adapt to the unknown but I found it all quite stressful up until this year began.

When the first lockdown started, I was overwhelmed by the sheer number of fellow bloggers who were taking it all in their stride and offering a way for the rest of us to take our minds off of what was happening. The community is huge and ever growing so you can understand my panic when all the ideas I was conjuring up in my head were quickly becoming popular or had already been done - once again, my desire to not fit in and be different got the better of me. In all honesty I think we all hit that point where we feel that nothing we do is ever good enough and it probably stems from that little nagging voice in our head that offers nothing but pessimistic thoughts.

My fears and worries in those first few weeks soon subsided though as I found my passion for photography and playing with the light in my golden hour series (take a look). I felt different from everybody else because I was offering beautiful photos that were calming and soothing for the soul and they were a hit! As with everything though, concepts get old and you have to quickly move over to the next thing which is so insane because just like fast fashion, fast content changes are a must in this industry!

So a few Instagram themes later and a few months not posting on social media, the start of 2021 saw a huge shift in the type of person I became. I guess my mindset changed and that is where it all begins I think. Once you have things that keep you sane and positive amidst the madness, the better equipped you are to handle things that come your way.

For me, I started exercising every day, I did yoga, I found a new artist to listen to and whose music impacted my life (sorry for the BTS spam if you've seen it haha), I found happiness in alone time which is something that I have always struggled with, I developed my love for dance, amongst so many other things. Admittedly I still had my down moments and times where I felt like I couldn't cope all that well but with every bad day there were so many days where I felt genuine moments of euphoria.

Now that everything is opening up here in the UK, the idea of 'normality' or 'what once was' is somewhat scary to me. I know that it's a learning curve and there will be a period of adjustment but I'm afraid of losing the person I have become. I like the routine I have created for myself and I love the security blanket (if I can call it that) that I have made to protect myself when things get tough. There is of course no reason for me not to be able to still implement said blanket into a new routine because even though growth happens outside your comfort zone, there is nothing wrong with having a bit of familiarity now and again.

I know that I'm not alone in feeling this way and sometimes knowing that can bring a sense of relief especially since the last 18 months have been a bit of a roller coaster for us all. Please feel free to drop a comment down below if you've been feeling the same way as me or if you have any words of wisdom that you think might be helpful!



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