Monday 1 November 2021

On My Mind: Scared To Lose My Pandemic Self

Scared To Lose My Pandemic Self | Not Vicarious

Hey lovelies!

I hope you are all doing well and coping in these current times! I figured I would chat to you about something that has been on my mind since this year started. We as a society have had to come to terms with quite a lot over the last year and a half and that includes everything from physical struggles to emotional struggles but the one that hits home most is the mental struggle, which is quite often a result of the previous two. I don't know if it's the idea of becoming increasingly comfortable with who I've become in lockdown or having to constantly adapt to the unknown but I found it all quite stressful up until this year began.

When the first lockdown started, I was overwhelmed by the sheer number of fellow bloggers who were taking it all in their stride and offering a way for the rest of us to take our minds off of what was happening. The community is huge and ever growing so you can understand my panic when all the ideas I was conjuring up in my head were quickly becoming popular or had already been done - once again, my desire to not fit in and be different got the better of me. In all honesty I think we all hit that point where we feel that nothing we do is ever good enough and it probably stems from that little nagging voice in our head that offers nothing but pessimistic thoughts.

My fears and worries in those first few weeks soon subsided though as I found my passion for photography and playing with the light in my golden hour series (take a look). I felt different from everybody else because I was offering beautiful photos that were calming and soothing for the soul and they were a hit! As with everything though, concepts get old and you have to quickly move over to the next thing which is so insane because just like fast fashion, fast content changes are a must in this industry!

So a few Instagram themes later and a few months not posting on social media, the start of 2021 saw a huge shift in the type of person I became. I guess my mindset changed and that is where it all begins I think. Once you have things that keep you sane and positive amidst the madness, the better equipped you are to handle things that come your way.

For me, I started exercising every day, I did yoga, I found a new artist to listen to and whose music impacted my life (sorry for the BTS spam if you've seen it haha), I found happiness in alone time which is something that I have always struggled with, I developed my love for dance, amongst so many other things. Admittedly I still had my down moments and times where I felt like I couldn't cope all that well but with every bad day there were so many days where I felt genuine moments of euphoria.

Now that everything is opening up here in the UK, the idea of 'normality' or 'what once was' is somewhat scary to me. I know that it's a learning curve and there will be a period of adjustment but I'm afraid of losing the person I have become. I like the routine I have created for myself and I love the security blanket (if I can call it that) that I have made to protect myself when things get tough. There is of course no reason for me not to be able to still implement said blanket into a new routine because even though growth happens outside your comfort zone, there is nothing wrong with having a bit of familiarity now and again.

I know that I'm not alone in feeling this way and sometimes knowing that can bring a sense of relief especially since the last 18 months have been a bit of a roller coaster for us all. Please feel free to drop a comment down below if you've been feeling the same way as me or if you have any words of wisdom that you think might be helpful!



Tuesday 11 May 2021

Spring Playlist 2021

Hey lovelies!

Oh my goodness I have not done one of these in a while and I have definitely missed it! Time and time again I remind you all of my love for music and it has not died down one bit. Listening to music allows me to be "in my feels" and as an emotional person with a lot of feelings (haha), I need a way to channel those emotions into something to feel a sense of comfort or euphoria depending on my mood. Are you the same?

Disclaimer: you will probably see a lot of BTS songs down below...I can't help myself, they are epic in more ways than one and I'm so excited for their next comeback - sorry, not sorry? 😂

With that said, here are just 20 of my favourite songs that I'll be having on repeat this season:

1. Film Out by BTS
2. Never Not by Lauv
3. Montero (Call Me By Your Name) by Lil Nas X
4. Astronaut In The Ocean by Masked Wolf
5. Telepatía by Kali Uchis
6. 21st Century Girl by BTS
7. At My Worst by Pink Sweat$
8. I'm Gonna Be by Post Malone
9. Let Me In (20 CUBE) by Enhypen
10. 99% by GRACEY
11. Levitating by Dua Lipa
12. Savage Love (Laxed - Siren Beat, BTS remix) by Jason Derulo, Jawsh 685 & BTS
13. Motive by Ariana Grande and Doja Cat 
14. Who by Lauv & BTS
15. Promise by Jimin
16. Still With You by Jungkook
17. Daydream by J-Hope
18. Crazy Beautiful by Austin P. McKenzie
19. The Business by Tiësto
20. 00:00 (Zero O'Clock) by BTS

Let me know if any of these are your favourites too or better yet recommend me some songs in the comments section down below!



Tuesday 4 May 2021

"Where did she go?" I hear you ask...

Hey lovelies!

Long time, no see right? It's been almost eight months of silence on here and for that I'm sorry. People often wonder why I apologise for being absent when I need to be but I feel like I owe some sort of explanation to you all. This is probably where you say that you didn't notice I was gone hahaha! For those of you who did notice though, I guess this post is for you.

If you watched my stories around February this year then you may have seen me talk about why I suddenly lost contact with social media and how I didn't feel like I had a place there. The same can be said for my blog as it revolved around the same type of content plus my "identity crisis" throughout the pandemic started intensifying towards the end of 2020.

I wish I could say that I was stronger than to let the negative thoughts about my worth in this industry get to me but I honestly felt and admittedly sometimes still feel that I do not bring anything of value to the table that people have not already seen...stupid I know. The spiralling thoughts are usually what get me in trouble and more often that not I find reasons that I'm seemingly not good enough rather than providing actual evidence as to why I AM good enough.

I think the phrase "life got in the way" is fitting here as I stepped away from posting and focused on what I loved in real life. I delved into new music and reignited my passion for dance, I started working out consistently and eating better, I developed my sense of personal style and took inspiration from my newfound passions, I challenged myself physically and mentally, and I learnt more about myself than I did trying to fit the mould the blogger world created. I felt free and I felt happy but that's not to say I didn't have low points because I did and sometimes they consumed my days without any reason to in the first place.

With that said, I'm grateful for the change and I'm grateful that I have new things to share with you all from here on out. The things I love are bound to always change but what I hope won't change is my passion to come here to my little corner of the Internet to tell you all about it. You may not always relate to the what I love but I hope you find something, even one small thing, that makes you happy too.

Thank you for listening, I love ya for it...