|Blogtober Day Eight|
Happy World Mental Health Day to all of you!
Today's post is a little simpler than the others in terms of its structure but its content is quite deep, raw and very vulnerable. I don't always like to delve into these feelings too much in such a public space because it can be a cruel world out there and there are plenty of harsh individuals who like to have their say and tell you how you should be feeling.
I wrote the below piece because I wanted to express how I felt during a time in my life where everything felt as though it was going wrong, completely and utterly wrong. I was lost, truly lost and although I have managed to find my way out of the deepest depths of my mind and soul, I know that I am still finding my way out and I always will be - we're always a constant work in progress, always changing and always learning.
I know it's cliche but if one of you reads this and can relate to what I have to say or if it helps one of you to know that things will get better then I can consider my job done. I love you all and I want to help with all my heart.
So please, take a read...
Silence. I need it now and again, just to figure out how this stickiness ends,
Sometimes it's with a hug from my love, other times it's not so fun,
A talking to and a bringing back down to earth chat does the trick, but even so it never ever chooses to stick,
My life splits into a million pieces and once upon a time there lay this perfect fit yet here I sit, on the floor shoving the pieces back together,
With tears in my eyes and a dent in my soul, everything feels so out of my control,
A nervous heart and an anxious mind is all it takes for me to unwind and yet I unravel into this utter mess and wind up one big ball of uncontrollable stress,
I apologise for the inconvenience I cause but after a moment I find myself pause,
I'm no longer in charge of my behaviour, you tell me to stop like I'm doing you a favour,
I can't help the way I am so help me God, I don't understand what I've done so wrong,
I turn on myself and shout back with anger, whilst my reflection looks back at me with such candour,
The person in the mirror is no use to me, it mimics every word that it ever did see,
A slow chipping away of me as a human, I want to get away so that I can move on,
I hold myself together with some old tape, until I feel so bent out of shape,
I barely hold on to reality, I don't remember what that used to be,
But with time I find the dust settles, and you're no longer in a bush of nettles,
You build up who you used to be, something you once knew as 'happy',
Don't give up because it does get better, get back what was yours like a debt collector,
The silence becomes that less bit scary, and the darkness affects you what I know as 'rarely'.